Anna Updates

  I’m sure you have all heard about the earth quake that happened in Sichuan last week.  Over 30,000 people are dead and millions are homeless.  I live about 1,500 miles from Sichuan province and didn’t even feel the quake. I have seen frantic images of people experiencing horrible grief, shock, and fear.  It is devastating to watch a sobbing mother looking at the building in ruins she knows her child is buried under.  It is miraculous to watch a young girl come walking out of the rubble after being buried underneath it for 80 hours!  As I think about last weeks earthquake, the words of  J. in Matthew 24 come to my mind and cause my heart to beat fast.  “For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be famines and earthquakes in various places.  All these are but the beginning of the birth pains.  Then they will deliver you up to tribulation and put you to death, and you will be hated by all nations for my name’s sake…and because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.  And the gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come (Matt. 24:7-13).   Natural disasters are increasing and seem to be happening every time you turn around.  Tsumani, Katrina…. and now Sichuan.  And I get the shivers as I see J. words come to life before my very eyes.  It feels me with excitement and a holy sense of terror to realize the birth pains have more than begun.   Are you ready to meet J.? Am I? How loving of God to get the world’s attention in such ways. People must wake up and call on the name of the LRD!  I am convicted that I must make eternal decisions and put all I poses into eternity.  The ch. has an open door in Sichuan right now to proclaim the good news! Please be pr. that more than anything right now in Sichuan that S*l*a*tion would spring up from the ground and spread a passion for the Name above all other Names! 

  Sometimes I wonder how G. is making all things New.  I’m learning to delight in the fact that G.’s ways are so far above my ways and thoughts so far above my thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8 ) It’s pretty sweet that my life is now to trust Him and believe Him in all things.  It sounds so simple when I write it like that, but in reality it can be extremely hard to surrender my fake control to G. and trust His sovereignty in all circumstances I find myself in, and in the circumstances others are experiencing.   It starts with trusting Him in the small things….like this morning the road that runs between where I live in Beijing had a problem, so my driver took the back roads.  It took almost two hours to get to starbucks where my friend was going to meet with me for coffee.  The funny thing was that last night she wrote and asked me if we could change our coffee time from 10:00 to 10:30.  I left my house at 8:30 am as planned thinking I would have plenty of time and be early to meet my friend, when in fact I would have been late because of the road, had we met at 10:00 am as we originally planned.  Now that is trusting G.’s sovereignty on a small scale..that He totally knew what he was doing when my friend changed the time last night. I also saw the results of His sovereignty over that situation very quickly.  I thought this morning for a brief moment… “Wow, that was really lucky that she changed the time,” but then I caught myself.  I’m convinced how I respond to small situations like that is how I will respond to big situations where G. is asking me to trust Him and praise Him.  Like the orphan that never gets adopted and dies of a heart condition.  Like the Tsumani wiping out thousands.  When I experience rejection from people that know C. or said they loved me, when my visa isn’t working, when my funds are low, when my funds are high, when G. doesn’t heal my little brother when I ask him too and instead he dies…. Will I believe in all things that He is making all things new?   That He is always good? What if I get cancer? What if I can’t have children?  What if I lose Noah? What if the orphans I really want to see get adopted never do? I don’t know what my feelings will be if those things happen, but I do know that I have resolved in my heart because of His faithfulness… “When the morning comes on the farthest Hill, I  will sing His Name, I will praise Him still! When dark trials come and my heart is filled with the weight of doubt, I will praise Him still!” - Fernando Ortega 

  I’ve been trying to write this update all afternoon.  Usually this part of the update just comes to me…but today it isn’t.  This week in my B. study we have been talking about when you’ve been “had by Satan” (in other words when you’ve fallen and G. brings you out of it) how much self is gone when you return to C, and how much quicker you give grace to others than you did before. Because, it is so easy to judge someone else until you’ve been had.  Judging for me is about as natural and easy as breathing is.  It is so easy to talk about people, so easy to assume they mean something they don’t.  I’ve realized my judging tendency even more being in a relationship. It is so easy to assume things about Noah that he doesn’t mean or intend.  Satan plays on my fears and lies to me. Sometimes, I’m had.  I give into the lies and become a not so nice girlfriend.  Instead of taking G.’s way and assuming that the person I love so much is thinking about my heart, because he always is.  And sometimes I’m even more had in believing the lie that G. doesn’t truly love me, that he cannot truly use the big times I’ve been had for good.  In those times I’m crippled in my relationship with G.  Our ch. is doing a series on G.’s justice.  This Sunday I’ve been asked if I can be interviewed along with another lady about how G. uses ordinary people to bring His justice to others.  I feel torn, because at times I feel this overwhelming passion to help orphans and suffering people, and other times I would rather buy the new shirt I don’t really need instead of saving that money, or buying a shirt for someone who really needs it.  Despite this, I said yes to being interviewed, because I’m just an ordinary struggling person, who G. chooses to use in small ways.  And when I think about that, I feel like I can share on Sunday about how much I want to change…How much I want to feel deeper the things that G. does!  How I want to be a patient grace giver, because I began to care so much more about the things of G. after a time when I was HAD.  He who promised is Faithful and HE WILL DO IT! (Hebrews 10:23) 

  I have a case of the crabbies! It started about two weeks ago and every day for at least half the day I struggle with extreme amounts of frustration and annoyance with work, culture, etc.  I feel this sense of laziness where I drag myself to tutor Charlie and Daniel and try to find every reason not to go. Its so strange and ridiculous! I fight fear about visa issues as they continue. I fight fear that I’m not being a loving faithful and cheerful girlfriend to Noah…  It feels like something is pressing my insides together.This morning I read 1 Samuel 12:24 “Only fear the LRD and serve him faithfully with all your heart.  For consider what great things He has done for you!”   As I sit here thinking about all that the LRD has done for me and all that He has spared me and saved me from, my heart is filled with gratitude at His faithfulness, love, and patience!  I’m filled with trust that G. will never abandon me and that he can and will enable and bring about all that He desires…  and what He desires is best in every situation!  Also, as I sit here I am reminded that my thoughts are not His thoughts and my ways are not His ways so much of the time (Isaiah 55:8).  I am reminded that It is only because of J.C. all the promises of G. I meditate and believe in, find their yes in Him (2 Cor.1:20). I am comforted that nothing can separate me from the love of C. (Romans 8:35-39). I am hopeful G. can enable me to trust Him and empower me to overcome my crabbiness and fear (Colossians 1:11). And I am so so so so thankful that G. does not condemn me and will fill me with peace through His Sprt (Romans 8:1). Lastly, I feel thankful and so loved that this morning I got to take the most amazing HOT  water Shower at my friend Sylvia’s house, with steller water pressure, equipped with a heating lamp!  It was a great way to start the day without crabbies!!!:>)   

  I struggle with prejudice.  I think everyone does, but sometimes I’m gripped with the sad reality that I am prejudice against the very people I’m trying to live among and love.  This week I was in the visa office.  I was frustrated and afraid!  I’ve been having some issues with my visa and the process can be very long and wearing.  As I began to think about all the reasons I can’t stand the way this place operates and the evil and oppression that is daily, my heart felt numb.  “Anna, aren’t you supposed to become more compassionate as time goes on and understanding of the way this culture operates?”  I asked myself. But instead I find my prejudice and love for the people around me seemingly growing colder.  As my knowledge of evil increases, my heart feels angry and tired.. The words in Matthew 24 came as a timely warning to me this week: “For many others, the overwhelming spread of evil will do them in-nothing left of their love but a mound of ashes”  I felt tears come to my eyes as I pr. that G. will keep my heart soft, compassionate, and loving in this place and always.  And as I pr. my heart was filled with gratitude for G.’s amazing love for me, AND Noah was coming back to where I was waiting with the precious yellow slip in hand, looking tired from his ordeal of talking to the Visa people….an extension!!! My hero and overwhelming gift of love from God:>) 

  Its so great loving people who love you back and think you are wonderful! Every time I see Noah I feel all giggly and silly… kind of like a 5 year old. He is so easy to love, because he lavishes me with love.  Even when we have conflicts I always feel like we get through them loving each other more than we did before! But what about when people don’t think you are wonderful?  And what about when you don’t think they are so wonderful either? The past few months I’ve become aware of “conveniently loving” that is, loving those who love me and think I’m great, and doing everything possible to stay away from people I feel I cannot love or be gracious too.  J. has some pretty strong words to say about that.  “If you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?” (Matthew 5:47) which was a huge slam… especially then, because tax collectors were definitely everyone’s least favorite people. I have come to believe with all my heart, that authentic loving of others can only begin when I face those I feel I cannot love, first in my heart.  It is in those moments that I realize the power of the cross and my inability to say and do the right thing in love without the real power that comes through JC. Only can He enable true authentic love between people and make it possible to love when I feel helpless to do so.  And only when I have true authentic loving relationships will people be drawn to me.  They will know I am a C. by my love!  May G. help us.  May He give us the power to love.  He made a way so we could, but will we choose this radical way of loving?  Will I? 

  I was thinking about all the times in  my life G. has spared me from huge mistakes through the authority of walls.  The term wall is usually used in a negative sense.   For example, I put up walls when I have been hurt and don’t want to let others in. Also, when I think about strongholds (2 Cor.10:3-4) I think about walls in a negative way as things to be torn town in our lives.  But, walls can also be good in the sense that they can represent G.’s authority. I learned the best diagram in my study this week explaining walls… Inside the wall of G.’s authority and what we call commandments is my Temple, which 1 Cor. 6:19 says is my body, or the life of a believer.  Inside the temple dwells the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:9) that according to Ephesians 1:13 seals us until the day of redemption!  Outside of the possession  wall is opposition from the enemy, and no matter how strong that opposition my feel or be it cannot get into the wall, because I am sealed with the Holy Spirit.  Last night as I was thinking about this diagram and how for some reason throughout college and life, although I believed G’s way was satisfying and best, a part of me always wondered if G. was somehow holding out on me.  As my friends got married and I didn’t, as I struggled with insecurity and depression, and feeling like I didn’t fit in with Christians, or anyone for that matter, in the back of my mind was the whisper… “Maybe G. is holing out on you”  “It’s ok to be selfish, it’s ok to do what’s best for me….people don’t really love me etc.”  Honestly, there were some years in college where I stayed hanging onto C. because I thought everything else seemed pointless and people doing what they wanted weren’t really happy either….G. kept me in the wall through failed relationships, the death of my brother, and my struggle to worship G. for the way He made me…G. kept me in the wall of His authority because He knew the longer I stayed in it the more I would become free…. The more I would see that He is G. the ONE and ONLY.  He kept me in the wall of His authority because He knew if I stayed in it, He would thrill me with His mercy and goodness, and meet my every need in ways I could never imagine!  He kept me in the wall of His authority because He LOVES ME… and I am overwhelmed by this LOVE! 

 I’ve been thinking this week about how much G. loves.  Not only me personally, but how much he loves people that I feel helpless to love.  This morning I was at the post office trying to mail something to the United Kingdom.  Mailing things here can be so difficult.  You have to seal the envelopes with this special glue stuff, and buy which feels like a million stamps.  So finally I had everything on the envelope that was required and I handed it to the lady behind the counter and she said…. “this is the wrong envelope you will have to use another one!”  I wanted to yell at her… “how can this be the wrong one, you gave it to me!”  So out with the forms and into the right envelope, pasting everything on again.  And before we even mailed it the lady tells us they are not responsible if the letter doesn’t make it to another country, or anywhere in China for that matter!  About 25 minutes later we leave the post office….while I silently thank G. I can’t speak the language so well or I would have let that lady have it!  I was thinking of a million smart remarks in my head… then I remembered what I read in Matthew this morning. “Knowing the correct password-saying Master, Master for instance-isn’t going to get you anywhere with me.  What is required is a serious obedience-doing what my Father wills.  I can see it now-at the Final judgment thousands strutting up to me and saying, Master we preached the message, we bashed the demons, our God sponsored projects had everyone talking.  And do you know what I am going to say?  You missed the boat.  All you did was use me to make yourselves important.  You don’t impress me one bit.  You’re out of here.”  (Matthew 7:21-23 the Message)  There is a road in between Langfang and Beijing called the Jing Jin Tang or interpreted “the highway of death” It is a dangerous road and really the only direct road to get to Beijing from our house.  There are often traffic jams on this road, where you have to wait and shut off your car until traffic begins to move again.  The other night Noah was driving back to Beijing late and he was stuck in a traffic jam, so he turned off the car engine.  He was stuck in between trucks and all he could see was darkness and trucks all around him.  He told me he thought about hell and how it will feel like eternal stuck ness, where you can’t move one way or the other, and where there will be no escape.  Today as I think about the post office incident and what I read this morning I feel the need to beg G. to change the state of my soul and cause my heart to long for serious obedience!  The obedience of LOVE and GRACE for others at any cost to myself and my own comfortableness for the sake of the Kingdom.  I pr. that G. will change my heart and give me grace for people at the post office and all around me who are headed for eternal stuck ness without any way of escape! “Change my heart Oh G. Make it ever true. Change my heart Oh G, may I be like you!”  

  Sometimes I forget that this is my Father’s world!  I so long to see change happen in the eyes of what at times can seem hopeless. In the place I live in change is slow, and mostly agonizing waiting change that requires patience, persistence, and endurance.  I’ve realized that some of my restlessness comes from the American definition of success, that big and fast growth means success. I think often G.’s way is very opposite.  It is always difficult to come to terms with the fact that I think I’m better than people around me.  That my nationality and way of doing things is somehow superior…that I would rather help in the way I think is best than learn how things work here and serve this nation.  I’m so grateful that the B. is universal and applies to everyone, every tribe, tongue, and nation.  So while my heart aces for the things that G. deeply cares about that are so wrong around me, I must remember that G. deeply loves these people, and He will direct my steps in every situation, in every conversation, and decision.  I pr. He will teach me how to learn how to love deeply instead of wanting to feel gratified by the things I think are so important to accomplish.  Thank you for your indescribable gift Father…Fill me with it! “And such were some of you.  But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the LRD  JC and by the Sprt of our G.”  (I Corinthians 6:11) 

“…to hear the voice of God and do His will whatever it is…”  Yesterday I was thinking about these words on my way to Beijing.  “Have I heard the voice of G.? And am I doing His will whatever it is?” It’s a question I think I don’t ask myself enough.  It is sometimes so easy to not have to wrestle with the will of G. in my life. “To love mercy, and to act justly, and to walk humbly with our G.”  (Micah 6:8) To be so busy that the voice of G. seems so far away.  I always catch myself being or thinking I need to accomplish certain things in a day, because in some way it will make me more Godly or something.  Yesterday, I found myself longing to hear the voice of God more and what I mean by that is, when I read His word, have interruptions in my day I wasn’t expecting, or feel my heart breaking or longing for something, or furthermore have a difficult conversation with someone where I become more aware of my failures and my need for G. and His grace and power in my life…that I would hear the voice of G. in those experiences, and respond in His will…whatever it is!!! In a lot of situations I find myself in recently, I don’t know how to respond in G.’s will or what His will looks like exactly and sometimes I honestly want to respond with my instincts and call them the “will of G.” (which I am pretty sure they are not) ha….I long so much to be beyond sinning.  I want to want to do the right thing, whatever it is…in every situation, in every thought…but I am so far… “Christ in me the hope of Glory”  (Colossians 1:27) I can’t wait to completely stop caring about myself and only care about J. and others.  Oh, but the sanctification process is exciting when you don’t fight it right?….wink.

“I will sigh and with all creation groan…as I wait for Hope to come for me!”- Brooke Fraser